For the girls:
I decided to write a list of what to avoid the next time you're reading through profiles and messages on the dating sites. There are many things to consider before going out with someone. So here is...
MISS LISA'S DATING MANUAL
CHAPTER 1
1) "I'm not into material things"
really means.....
I don't make/have a lot of money so let's meet for coffee, not dinner and you don't mind going Dutch, do you?
2) "I love to hunt, fish, trap, shoot, fly, ski, boating, ride my bike, ride my ATV, travel, have fun with my friends"
really means.....
I have all the toys a man could want, who needs a woman?
3) "I am very attentive to women, I love everything about them, I need them in my life, I'm your Prince Charming and your every wish will be my command. I'm perfect and don't understand why I can't get dates"
really means.....
I will get so needy and clingy that you will wish you'd never answered my message in the first place. What were you thinking?
4) "I'm just a good 'ole boy with a big heart looking for a Barbie in boots"
really means.....
I'm far from perfect but I expect my woman to look perfect, cook my meals, do my laundry, raise my kids and mow my yard. Oh, and sit when I tell you to sit, kinda like my dog, Bimbo.
5) "I hardly ever drink except when I'm with my friends"
really means.....
I'm an alcoholic but you won't realize it until you are halfway through dinner and the slurring begins. Then it's time to pay the check and I have to ask you to total the tab for me. Oh, and would you mind signing my name on there for me? I'm having trouble reading the small print. Thatta girl. Now gimme a big 'ole kiss.
6) "I wear hats just because I like to"
really means.....
I'm balder than a baby's butt.
Cowboy hats make me look taller along with the heels of my boots.
Baseball caps hide the fact that I can't deal with my receding hair line.
Wearing caps backwards means I have a Peter Pan syndrome and will never grow up.
Shaving my head because I'm going bald and not hiding it in a hat means I'm manly enough to deal with it and might be an interesting date.
Chapter 2
For all those girls out there that have found themselves in the exciting world of internet dating, I have a list of things you need to know so you will be prepared and not go through my trials and tribulations. Well, that's not exactly true... you will undoubtedly go through all this because that's just the name of the game. But we, as women, need to help each other, so here it is!
YOU WILL END UP...
...frustrated when your friends won't set you up with their single friends because, frankly, the guys "aren't good enough for you".
... perusing the dating sites to pick which one you want to plunk down your hard earned money to subscribe to, it can be confusing. All of them are free to sign up, but you can't read any messages you've received, you can't send any messages and all you can do is look at pictures and convince yourself that kissing frogs may not be the only way to go.
...biting your nails unless you have them done professionally. This is because you will end up waiting by yourself at a table all alone until he finally shows up, 30 minutes late, and you feel like a fool. He had your number, why didn't he call? Worry, mad, worry, mad, worry.
... with messes left from deciding what to wear because you want to be comfortable but still look hot.
... shopping for new clothes because nothing you have in the closet is comfortable or makes you look hot.
... not eating the entire day before a date so you'll lose that 3 lbs. in water weight.
... binging when you get home because you didn't want to look like a pig at dinner, but, ohmygawd, you are now starving!
... dreading the call from the date the night before. You know he's going to ask for a 2nd date because he didn't get the hint that there wouldn't be a 2nd date after the 1st date fiasco.
... fighting boredom during a date because the guy talks so much you can't get a word in edgewise, blah, blah, blah and then I was brilliant and I blah, blah, blah...
... wishing you could think of something to get a conversation started but you have nothing, nada, zilch in common.
... going to a restaurant/bar and seeing 3 other guys you've gone out with. It is better to pretend to laugh at whatever numbnut is saying than to look bored and make the other guys think "she could have had me".
... wondering whatthehell you were thinking when you decided it was time to start dating again.
Oh yeah, it's a blast! So do your clothes shopping, get those nails done, start exercising and get ready for the best (and worst) time of your life!
