Ode To The Dating Sites

 Dear Readers,

Over the years I have had great fun coming up with little ditties about the fun and fiascoes of my dating life.  While some of my dates have been wonderful men, the old adage about having to 'kiss a lot of toads' before finding your future mate is true.  For your perusal, here is a collection of verses I have written that I call "Ode To The Dating Sites".  I hope you enjoy it!

ODE TO THE DATING SITESby Lisa Buchanan

There once was a foul man named "***wipe",the pic of his bike made us laugh,imagine his chaps and his thong done in black, with Lisa dolled up in the back!

There was a strange man who was gruesome,
he wanted to do a fun threesome,
a man two girls date, to me that was great,
if he would allow me to whip him?

There was a short rooster who's nameless,
he called her a 'prize' so he said,
the bike that he's riding he couldn't keep hiding,
the sheriff wants it back or he's dead!

There once was a kilted French Cajun,
whose prose sounded like he was ragin',
he's anti-kill Bambi or Rudolph, that's fine,
I don't think I'll be misbehaving!

A gun-toting guy in Afghanistan,
who had a nice boat he made clear,
submissive at bedtime was all that he asked.
Are handcuffs the norm here? Oh dear...

In Idaho there was a fine cowboy,
his rodeo voice known far and wide,
the riding and roping are fun so they say,
but he wants center stage, not a bride.

There was a Marine that's a General,
his prose sounded girly and kewl,
I thought "finally, hot damn!" but Dad said "it's a scam",
so I'm back to the dating site ghouls.

I met an old man for some dinner,he sounded so nice on the phone,but when we departed, I became so fainthearted,his talking so much made me groan.I chastised him about all his talking,then told him to just keep on walking,he wrote back and said that I helped his big head,now he's dating again, girls are flocking!

There once was a man that appeared naked,he said "you are well kept", it's true.He makes the gun guy look much better than ever,but naked man doesn't have a clue.

A tall hobbit approached me to write him,in Renaissance attire with a kilt,his lily white legs and his earrings all dangly,I passed him right by with no guilt!

I wanted to find a new partner,

a man who is dashing and smart,

but now that I've seen all the yahoos and schmucks,

I think they're all old flabby farts!

Perplexed Paul

Dear Miss Lisa,
I'm a man in my mid-60's that loves to hunt and fish and sit by a camp fire.  I'm looking for a woman that likes the same things but no one ever responds to my winks on the online dating sites.  What am I doing wrong?
Thanks for any help you can give me.
- Paul

Dear Perplexed Paul,
Let's see... where to start.
First off, quit "winking" and start writing.  I don't mean "u r a qt" notes but something more significant that will show the women that you are sincerely interested in starting a conversation.  No single woman I know, and I know a LOT of them, will respond to a wink/flirt and they all agree that they consider them a waste of their time spent deleting them when they could be responding to a note of interest.  

Secondly, give them a compliment on one of their pictures, such as you like their hair, they are pretty/gorgeous/beautiful, whatever comes to mind, but nothing sexy, that's a huge turn-off.  Point out whatever you can find on their profile that you have in common.  If she has stated that she likes to fish, hunt, sit by a camp fire, then you are in luck!  If you can't find anything on her profile in common, ask her if she is interested in something else that may not be 'manly' like hunting but that you enjoy, too, like shopping, long drives in the country, nice restaurants, etc.  Usually there is at least something in common to start a conversation.

Thirdly, take a gander at your own pictures on your own profile for a moment.  If you were a woman, would you be attracted to yourself?  Really?  I would suggest asking a daughter/sister for unbiased help with this.  Are you smiling?  Are all of your pictures of your boat, your dog or pictures you've taken from trips?  *yawn*  Those are all nice once you've met but until the first meetup, trust me, the woman wants to see only pictures of you, closeups, full body shots, just the same as you want to see at these sites.  Are the pictures recent?  Pictures older than 2 years are a BAD idea unless it's a picture of you in college or something to show how handsome you were back in the day, but all women want more current pictures of your face and build.  I give women this same advice, so please don't feel like I'm just picking on the men.  Women are notorious for only uploading pictures of their face and never body shots because they are afraid no man would be interested because they are overweight, too skinny, whatever.

Now go grab your courage, write someone a short note from the heart and see what a difference it makes.  Upload some recent photos, reword your profile to include interests other than hunting or fishing and I will bet big money that you will get more responses than you ever imagined.  
You can do it!

Sexting - Bashful or Bold?

Dear Miss Lisa,
So... I have a boyfriend and we used to sext all the time.  Then we had a few fallouts but now we are back together and in a strong relationship.  I really wanna start sexting again and I really think he wants to, too.  But I'm not sure and I'm not sure how I would ask.
So what I'm asking is how would I go about asking him or should I just initiate it?

Regards,
Undecided Ursula

Dear UrsulaYouSexyThing,

I used to not be a proponent of "sexting" (talking sexy by text) but my attitude has changed over the years.  It is a great way to set the stage for sex and keep the passion alive in a committed relationship.  We all have cell phones with us everywhere we go, so why not keep the home fires burning?

Since you are already in a committed relationship, the answer is easy-peasy.  When you're comfortable, try texting something slightly suggestive such as "can't wait for tonight" and see how your boyfriend reacts.  If his reaction is positive, take it a step further by being a little bolder.

I would, however, have a deeper conversation in person as soon as possible so that you two can exchange ideas about what is okay and what is a turn-off.  The only way to truly learn about someone's desires and dreams is to ask, right?!

I will share a little secret passed down to me...  Have your boyfriend/husband take you to a nice restaurant and right before it's time to order dessert shyly whisper to him across the table "I'm not wearing any panties..."  It's at the top of the list of anyone that's done it before!

Whether we are in a committed relationship or married, we should do all we can to keep the passion alive!

First Date Franny

Dear Miss Lisa,

I have now had my first actual date and holy stalker, I dodged a bullet there!

I now have additional requirements to my search criteria.

Besides spelling and grammar (and I can forgive the odd typo), new rules are as follows:

• profile pics should not include cars and or motorcycles - penis extension much?

• show a friend before posting a pic - they will let you know if you're rocking the serial killer look...and so many of them are

• don't talk about happily ever after on the first date, or soul mates, or falling in love. That shit is scary

Oh and if you have any deal breakers in your head, they are there for a reason!!

Onward and upward!

Sincerely,

First Date Franny

Dear First Date Franny The Survivor,

First off, let me say congratulations on surviving your first date! That itself is a major feat. We all know the fear and trepidation that is experienced before that first meet up, so pat yourself on the back for surviving that major milestone. Keeping a list of what you have learned on dates shows maturity and a keen intelligence, I commend you for that.

I shall add your list to the one I keep for the book I am writing.  I hope everyone jots these down, they are important to remember, first date or not!  Now keep up the good work, we all have to kiss a lot of toads before we find that special one that doesn't leave us with warts...

Texting To Sexting?

Dear Miss Lisa,

HELP!
How hard does dating have to be?!?!  I get sweet flirty messages from a guy I know, no asking for a date, just a couple of sweet texts.  I get tired of just texting and want a real date, so I ask if we're going to keep flirting or go on an actual date?  Or is he even interested in dating me?  Then, I get this odd response from him.  Oy vey, hold on...

Him - "You looked hot the other day in you skin tight clothes.  I have been out of the loop dating after getting a divorce and don't want the head games that go along with it.  I would love to see you naked laying in front of me and not knowing what to do next.  And yes I am a horny guy and you sparked my interest.  That should scare you away.??"

Me - (Thinking out loud)  Really?!?!  Okay, you did, you scared me away, not a problem!!!
I text him - "Oh my, guess you only had to say that you weren't interested in dating now.  But you got your point across."
Now he thinks I read that wrong, stating in his next text why he believes I read it wrong...
Please read this and help me or smack me!

His reply - "I believe you misunderstood my point.  I haven't dated in awhile and don't know where to start was the point.  The naked comment was to find your point of view and dialog on sex, also a complement.  I believe life is short and talk very open and be able to joke around a lot.  It seems we have different communication styles so sorry if you took any part negative.  I can still say you looked fine the other mourning without being a pervert."

Is it odd that his typos are more annoying to me than his lack of manners?  I so want to text him back, but what's the point now, except to give him links to Craigslist personal ads!  Is it a wonder why we hate dating?  Seriously, it went from a sweet flirty text to immediately talking about me being nude?!?!

Signed,
Texting To Sexting

Dear TextSextTish,

This is more common than you would think.  He states his view plainly (which I have used BOLD for ease of reading).   Some men can't even explain why their conversations go to the bedroom so quickly but your man did, so consider yourself lucky for the explanation.

I have a couple of thoughts on why this went sour so quickly.  Men like to take the lead and you took it away from him by asking if he was interested in dating in the first place.  It goes back to the Neanderthal days but luckily guys aren't hitting us over the head and dragging us back to the cave anymore.  Let the guy do the asking - it's that simple.  Yes, there are exceptions such as Sadie Hawkins dances but no one even has those anymore, do they?

As soon as his texting went naked, I would have texted back "This isn't going where I thought it would go, so I've changed my mind.  Please don't communicate with me anymore.  I hope you'll respect my wishes.  Good luck in your search for love."  This ends the conversation.  If you aren't opposed to continuing the sexting, that is your choice but will it ever really go anywhere decent?

Now obviously you might feel silly since you were the one that initiated the 'dating' part of the conversation and I have no idea what the previous texts were, but we all learn from our mistakes, right?  If he's someone you knew previously, then trust me when I say that he will have a new respect for you and maybe will be slower to start a "nude" conversation with the next girl, right?

Now go put your phone away for the night, take a hot bath and play some music, LOUD.  It always helps to make a fresh start and look forward to the next time you meet someone.  You never know, he could be the one if you'll let him do the asking!

Poor Pollyanna

Dear Miss Lisa,

So I started talking to a guy online and we decided to meet at a local restaurant.  I spent all day getting ready and arrived a couple of minutes late.  Since he wasn't there yet, I went ahead and sat at a table in anticipation of our dinner date.

He never showed up.

Do you think I was too late and missed him?  It was only 5 minutes.  I kept ordering drinks and felt uncomfortable the whole time, I felt like all eyes in the restaurant were on me... it was unnerving.  I texted him countless times but he never answered them.

What did I do wrong?

Sincerely,
Poor Paula

Dear Poor Paula,
I am re-naming you Poor Pollyanna.  Your innocence of the dating world is obvious.  I can answer your questions with two words - Go Home.

If your date doesn't show up after 15 minutes then a text or phone call to find out where he is always justified and warranted.  If you don't get an answer, don't sit there feeling like a fool for one more minute, get up and walk out.  You have been stood up.  It's not the end of the world, it just feels like it.  Also, "countless texts" are never a good idea, they make you look (and feel) weak, which you are not!

This man backed out, for whatever reason, and didn't have the decency to call or text you to be honest in the first place.  Shame on him and may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.  Karma is a b**ch and will bite him where it counts someday.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on to the next future date.  In the meantime, take more time getting to know the other person before agreeing to meet up.  You'll save yourself some grief by not being in a hurry and it will pay off in the end.  Now go get 'em, girl!

Miss Lisa's Dating Manual For Girls

For the girls:

I decided to write a list of what to avoid the next time you're reading through profiles and messages on the dating sites. There are many things to consider before going out with someone. So here is...

MISS LISA'S DATING MANUAL

CHAPTER 1

1) "I'm not into material things"

really means.....

I don't make/have a lot of money so let's meet for coffee, not dinner and you don't mind going Dutch, do you?

2) "I love to hunt, fish, trap, shoot, fly, ski, boating, ride my bike, ride my ATV, travel, have fun with my friends"

really means.....

I have all the toys a man could want, who needs a woman?

3) "I am very attentive to women, I love everything about them, I need them in my life, I'm your Prince Charming and your every wish will be my command. I'm perfect and don't understand why I can't get dates"

really means.....

I will get so needy and clingy that you will wish you'd never answered my message in the first place. What were you thinking?

4) "I'm just a good 'ole boy with a big heart looking for a Barbie in boots"

really means.....

I'm far from perfect but I expect my woman to look perfect, cook my meals, do my laundry, raise my kids and mow my yard. Oh, and sit when I tell you to sit, kinda like my dog, Bimbo.

5) "I hardly ever drink except when I'm with my friends"

really means.....

I'm an alcoholic but you won't realize it until you are halfway through dinner and the slurring begins. Then it's time to pay the check and I have to ask you to total the tab for me. Oh, and would you mind signing my name on there for me? I'm having trouble reading the small print. Thatta girl. Now gimme a big 'ole kiss.

6) "I wear hats just because I like to"

really means.....

I'm balder than a baby's butt.

Cowboy hats make me look taller along with the heels of my boots.

Baseball caps hide the fact that I can't deal with my receding hair line.

Wearing caps backwards means I have a Peter Pan syndrome and will never grow up.

Shaving my head because I'm going bald and not hiding it in a hat means I'm manly enough to deal with it and might be an interesting date.

Chapter 2

For all those girls out there that have found themselves in the exciting world of internet dating, I have a list of things you need to know so you will be prepared and not go through my trials and tribulations. Well, that's not exactly true... you will undoubtedly go through all this because that's just the name of the game. But we, as women, need to help each other, so here it is!

YOU WILL END UP...

...frustrated when your friends won't set you up with their single friends because, frankly, the guys "aren't good enough for you".

... perusing the dating sites to pick which one you want to plunk down your hard earned money to subscribe to, it can be confusing. All of them are free to sign up, but you can't read any messages you've received, you can't send any messages and all you can do is look at pictures and convince yourself that kissing frogs may not be the only way to go.

...biting your nails unless you have them done professionally. This is because you will end up waiting by yourself at a table all alone until he finally shows up, 30 minutes late, and you feel like a fool. He had your number, why didn't he call? Worry, mad, worry, mad, worry.

... with messes left from deciding what to wear because you want to be comfortable but still look hot.

... shopping for new clothes because nothing you have in the closet is comfortable or makes you look hot.

... not eating the entire day before a date so you'll lose that 3 lbs. in water weight.

... binging when you get home because you didn't want to look like a pig at dinner, but, ohmygawd, you are now starving!

... dreading the call from the date the night before. You know he's going to ask for a 2nd date because he didn't get the hint that there wouldn't be a 2nd date after the 1st date fiasco.

... fighting boredom during a date because the guy talks so much you can't get a word in edgewise, blah, blah, blah and then I was brilliant and I blah, blah, blah...

... wishing you could think of something to get a conversation started but you have nothing, nada, zilch in common.

... going to a restaurant/bar and seeing 3 other guys you've gone out with. It is better to pretend to laugh at whatever numbnut is saying than to look bored and make the other guys think "she could have had me".

... wondering whatthehell you were thinking when you decided it was time to start dating again.

Oh yeah, it's a blast! So do your clothes shopping, get those nails done, start exercising and get ready for the best (and worst) time of your life!

Here's A Picture of My Dog, My Truck, and a Buck

Dear Readers,
I want to take a few moments to address those of you that constantly describe yourselves as "just a nice guy that likes to hunt and fish and bar-b-q" on the "About Me" sections of your profile on the dating sites.

I'm sure you consider this phrase to be descriptive of your best qualities.  Is this all you do on the weekends?  What about going to festivals?  Do you like to dance?  Go to car shows?  Do you enjoy being with your family and friends?  Do you coach at Little League games?  Do you wish you had someone to share fun activities with?  Do you like to travel?  Do you yearn for something more?

Is there more to you than just being a guy that jumps in his truck and heads down the road to commune with Mother Nature?

If you're so happy, why are you even on the dating sites to begin with?  If you don't list other activities that interest you, it comes across to single women that you just want a woman to clean up the mess at the camp and pick up after you.  In truth, you don't need to find someone to date, you need another hunting dog. 

If you're wondering why you don't get more women to respond to your winks and messages, and you only have pictures of your truck, dog, camp and hunting trophies of bucks and bass, that right there may have a lot to do with it.

Think about it, you know I'm right. 

If you're serious about finding someone, take 10 minutes to make a few changes to your profile and try to be honest - women love guys that share their dreams and goals - it's called 'opening up'.  Those changes in your profile could end up changing your life. 

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match...

Dear Miss Lisa,

According to relationship experts, I'm a dumb-ass.I need a MatchMaker!  Only someone with a strong personality need apply to take  charge of my love life. I have listed below my requirements:1 - I am looking for someone to sweep me off my feet that has enough money to support themselves and me in the manner to which I am accustomed. I know that's not realistic, I DON'T CARE. You won't change my mind, so give it up.2 - I am looking for a professional. Not a professional pool shark, not a professional cad or gigolo, but someone that works in an office all day and does nothing but dream of when they can see me again and how they can impress me that day. If you don't get the total picture, see #1 above.3 - I am looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. RightNow.4 - I am looking for someone that is willing to move here to this dinky town in the middle of BFE and like it. No complaining to me about it unless the cure is to fly somewhere exotic for the weekend.5 - I am looking for someone that my grown children and family will like and respect. If they can't pass the muster, they're "outta here".6 - I am not looking for George Clooney or Brad Pitt, those two were disasters and taught me that I should be looking at their heart and mind and not what makes me look good. Okay, okay, I'm not totally convinced that George or Brad aren't out there but I certainly don't want the man to be prettier than me, capeesh?Signed,SickAndTiredOfWierdosJerks & DumbassesKindaGirl

Dear YourEgoIsLargerThanMine,

Wow.  The first thing you need to do is get off your high-horse and get your ego in check.  It's hard enough to find your knight in shining armor without you scaring the hell out of him.  Sheesh.  I hope your profile on the dating sites isn't this scary.There are plenty of matchmakers if you look online.  If you live in a small town then it's a problem, for sure.  If you are willing to drive/fly to a larger town then you will find you have more options.  The good matchmakers I've seen online are professionals with a staff to help them build up their portfolio of desirable men.  But be prepared, it's costly.  And by that, I mean you could spend over $1,000.00!  Personally, I'd rather spend that money on purses to feed my addiction but that's just me...Don't give up!  Take a hard look at your online profile on the dating sites.  Does it need to be updated?  Do you come across as too sarcastic or judgemental?  There are even support staff on most of the sites that will, when asked, look over your profile and offer help and suggestions to get you the most bang for your buck.Good luck in your search and let me know if you decided to go with a matchmaker or not, inquiring minds want to know!

Horoscope Help?

Dear Readers,
If any of you are like me...

Why, oh why are all the really good looking men born in May, which makes them a Taurus the Bull, which means they (the ones I've been with) have insecurities and need to control their women?  I don't read horoscopes, don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo, I'm a God-fearing woman.  But there is just something about men born in May that never works out for me.  I always seem to be attracted to a tall, dark and handsome type and WHAM... I find out he's born in May.  What a bummer.

I always seem to be attracted to Taurus men without even knowing it at first.  The ones I've dated (and married the first time) were fun, always attentive to a fault, and giving of their time and talents or I wouldn't have fallen for them in the first place.  It's just that my personality type doesn't like, or rather, can't abide being "kept" by the ones I was with at the time which always seemed to be their moniker or M.O..

Don't get me wrong, not all Taurus's are controlling, any more than all Leo's (me) are vain - always needing the spotlight but have huge giving hearts.  *cough cough*  It's just that they tend to always head in that direction with ME.

In that 'horoscope' world, there are personality types that do better with only 3-4 other types and Taurus is bad for me.  I didn't always know this but wondered why the dating sites all ask for your birth month and ask if you are okay with having your 'sign' displayed.  It wasn't until I found a site that informed me that Sagittarius's are my 'best' mate (my 2nd husband that died was a Sagittarius) that it hit me like a ton of bricks.  OH, NOW I get it!  It also said that my type "gives excellent dating advice but has a hard time with it themselves".  My, my, isn't that interesting...

If you are like me and can't seem to understand why it never seems to work out with someone after it started out so well, this could be one of the reasons.  Just a thought to chew on from me to you, hope this helps!

Blizzard Buddies

Dear Readers,

It's that time of year when it's cold, snowy, and just plain yucky outside. Use caution when dating online. Looking for a "Blizzard Buddy" is probably a bad idea. This article explains why... so stay warm and try to enjoy the journey!
Blizzard Buddy

Jumping The Gun

Dear Readers,

There is something to be said for "jumping the gun". I've oftentimes been guilty of this, have you? Some discretion with falling in love is needed and that takes time. We all need to remember this before jumping in with both feet. Otherwise, enjoy the journey!

A Chance Encounter On The Slopes

Dear Miss Lisa,

I am interested in a boy.  Okay, not really a "boy" but he's a 50+ man, who has a good job, is fit, likes to ski...in fact, that is how I met him, on the ski bus to Steamboat last weekend.  He chatted with me a bit and we did have a dance at the dinner party.  My issue is how to make sure I got his attention and have him ask me out sometime.  We did not exchange numbers but the sneaky seed planter that I am,  (insert evil laugh) did get his google email and add to my contact list so that he will see my profile come across as "someone you may know" on the Facebook feed.  Any other suggestions on being subtle but getting noticed?  Any good "Voodoo" queens you know?

Regards,
Subtle Sue

Dear Not-So-Subtle Sue,
I am impressed with your detective work and use of the internet to reach out to someone!  It is encouraging to think that someone could go to all that trouble to find us again after a chance encounter, right?!!

With the internet making finding someone so much easier, why not be bold and just write him since you already have his email?  The way I see it, if we don't want someone to find us, then we keep all of our personal information private.  If you were able to find him email address then all bets are off, in my way of thinking.  Go for the gusto!  Just be honest, and tell him that you couldn't forget him (the truth), you had a great time (the truth) and I'm sure if the roles were reversed we would be thrilled!  He could be shooting himself in the foot for not getting YOUR number!

If, on the other hand, you feel that being that bold isn't your style, find him on Facebook and private message him but don't 'friend request' just yet.  See what his response is, he could end up sending YOU the friend request!

Remember to google his name to see if there's anything out there that could be red flags.  If all else fails, let me know and we can certainly find a voodoo queen for a potion!