Scooter The Scalawag

scal·a·wag

ˈskaləˌwaɡ/

noun

informal

1. a person who behaves badly but in an amusingly mischievous rather than harmful way; a rascal.

   synonyms:

   rascal, scamp, monkey, imp, devil, rogue;

Dear Readers,

While perusing Facebook this morning, a familiar face appeared on the right side of my screen under "Friends You May Know".  He was, indeed, very familiar since his story is one that I will never forget.

It wasn't his appearance that led me to communicating with him on an online dating site a year or two ago, it was that he stated on his profile that he was a former Army officer and a physician.  Sounds too good to be true, right?  Right.

After several emails, he talked about driving up from Baton Rouge to meet me but he had one condition before he committed...  I had to send him a picture of my boobs to prove that I was serious in pursuing a relationship.  What, you say?!  Yes, a PICTURE OF MY BOOBS.  I was so stunned that I sat there in front of my laptop in shock wondering how to respond - nasty, nicely or truthfully?  I decided to play his game and asked him why in the world he would ask that of any woman, much less a Southern girl that was raised with high standards and a belief system that stopped me from even considering such an outlandish proposal.

His answer?  When he was an Army officer, his men that served under him stated they would die for him, his family was devoted to him, blah blah blah.  He would only drive 2 hours to see a woman that PROVED she was devoted to him and wanted a long lasting relationship.  After taking a deep breath and counting to 100, I told him in no uncertain terms that he had rocks for brains and was probably a certified pervert or a sex addict.  Oh, and don't write me back, I would no longer respond.  That didn't go over too well and I damaged his very frail ego.    He wrote me a scathing last email, letting me know what he thought of me and my "precious boobs".

I thought I had the last laugh until his profile popped up on my FB page with his name this morning.  I laughed out loud so hard when I saw his name that I scared the cat and made him jump.  Sorry, cat.  The doc's name?  Wait for it... SCOOTER!  Oh honey, bless your little heart.  I suggest you change your name before demanding women kowtow to your special needs.  It's really hard to take you seriously with that moniker.

P.S.  Apologies to anyone whose name is Scooter.  If you are considering signing up for a dating site, change your name to something more serious or manly.  Oh, and don't EVER ask for a picture of a woman's boobs... your profile picture is liable to go on all the social networks and could go viral.  But no worries, here.  I would never share your picture, I'm a nice Southern girl, after all.

Sexy Selfies

Dear Readers,

This man "winked" at me on one of the free dating sites.  When I stopped laughing, I knew I needed to share this with the world to point out some important lessons in online dating.

When you are taking selfies for the intent purpose of uploading them to an online dating site, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY... use your common sense and don't do as this guy did today.  For those that don't understand what is wrong with this picture, this short list should help.
FOR THE MEN:
Don't -
- Use a public urinal as your backdrop.  Do you seriously think this is okay?
- Use a hotel room with you laying on it because you think it's funny as hell.  You don't look like bad-boy that has sex a lot, we women think you look ridiculous.  Would you show your mother this picture and tell her this is how you are attracting her future daughter in law?
- Assume bad pictures on your profile don't matter, it was the best you could do
Do -
- Delete your online dating account if you think this cowboy in front of urinals picture is fine and don't understand what the heck I'm talking about.  Women online will thank me for it.

FOR THE WOMEN:
Don't -
- Expose your voluptuous chest in ANY pictures on your profile, unless your intent is to show men how easy you are to get into bed.
I have talked to men who told me, yes, they love looking/staring/drooling all over them but they would never date them seriously.  They would want to hook up with you for a one night stand, sure, but as a serious relationship potential?  Nope, never happen.
- Assume that men love that pout-y look.  They do, but only for one thing (re-read the first item above)
- Use a hotel room with you laying on it (re-read for the THIRD time the first item above)
Do -
- Delete your online dating account if you think this kind of picture is fine, all your friends do it and they have dates all the time.  Really?  Have they married and stayed married for 20 years?  Have you never heard "why marry the cow when I can get the milk for free"?

Please don't think, dear readers, that I've been a prude my whole life because I haven't.  I've made my share of mistakes but they aren't plastered all over the internet.  Google "trashy exposed boobs" or "drunk guy exposed" and you will get my meaning pretty quickly.

Let's all stay safe while we try to enjoy online dating!

Ode To The Dating Sites

 Dear Readers,

Over the years I have had great fun coming up with little ditties about the fun and fiascoes of my dating life.  While some of my dates have been wonderful men, the old adage about having to 'kiss a lot of toads' before finding your future mate is true.  For your perusal, here is a collection of verses I have written that I call "Ode To The Dating Sites".  I hope you enjoy it!

ODE TO THE DATING SITESby Lisa Buchanan

There once was a foul man named "***wipe",the pic of his bike made us laugh,imagine his chaps and his thong done in black, with Lisa dolled up in the back!

There was a strange man who was gruesome,
he wanted to do a fun threesome,
a man two girls date, to me that was great,
if he would allow me to whip him?

There was a short rooster who's nameless,
he called her a 'prize' so he said,
the bike that he's riding he couldn't keep hiding,
the sheriff wants it back or he's dead!

There once was a kilted French Cajun,
whose prose sounded like he was ragin',
he's anti-kill Bambi or Rudolph, that's fine,
I don't think I'll be misbehaving!

A gun-toting guy in Afghanistan,
who had a nice boat he made clear,
submissive at bedtime was all that he asked.
Are handcuffs the norm here? Oh dear...

In Idaho there was a fine cowboy,
his rodeo voice known far and wide,
the riding and roping are fun so they say,
but he wants center stage, not a bride.

There was a Marine that's a General,
his prose sounded girly and kewl,
I thought "finally, hot damn!" but Dad said "it's a scam",
so I'm back to the dating site ghouls.

I met an old man for some dinner,he sounded so nice on the phone,but when we departed, I became so fainthearted,his talking so much made me groan.I chastised him about all his talking,then told him to just keep on walking,he wrote back and said that I helped his big head,now he's dating again, girls are flocking!

There once was a man that appeared naked,he said "you are well kept", it's true.He makes the gun guy look much better than ever,but naked man doesn't have a clue.

A tall hobbit approached me to write him,in Renaissance attire with a kilt,his lily white legs and his earrings all dangly,I passed him right by with no guilt!

I wanted to find a new partner,

a man who is dashing and smart,

but now that I've seen all the yahoos and schmucks,

I think they're all old flabby farts!

Perplexed Paul

Dear Miss Lisa,
I'm a man in my mid-60's that loves to hunt and fish and sit by a camp fire.  I'm looking for a woman that likes the same things but no one ever responds to my winks on the online dating sites.  What am I doing wrong?
Thanks for any help you can give me.
- Paul

Dear Perplexed Paul,
Let's see... where to start.
First off, quit "winking" and start writing.  I don't mean "u r a qt" notes but something more significant that will show the women that you are sincerely interested in starting a conversation.  No single woman I know, and I know a LOT of them, will respond to a wink/flirt and they all agree that they consider them a waste of their time spent deleting them when they could be responding to a note of interest.  

Secondly, give them a compliment on one of their pictures, such as you like their hair, they are pretty/gorgeous/beautiful, whatever comes to mind, but nothing sexy, that's a huge turn-off.  Point out whatever you can find on their profile that you have in common.  If she has stated that she likes to fish, hunt, sit by a camp fire, then you are in luck!  If you can't find anything on her profile in common, ask her if she is interested in something else that may not be 'manly' like hunting but that you enjoy, too, like shopping, long drives in the country, nice restaurants, etc.  Usually there is at least something in common to start a conversation.

Thirdly, take a gander at your own pictures on your own profile for a moment.  If you were a woman, would you be attracted to yourself?  Really?  I would suggest asking a daughter/sister for unbiased help with this.  Are you smiling?  Are all of your pictures of your boat, your dog or pictures you've taken from trips?  *yawn*  Those are all nice once you've met but until the first meetup, trust me, the woman wants to see only pictures of you, closeups, full body shots, just the same as you want to see at these sites.  Are the pictures recent?  Pictures older than 2 years are a BAD idea unless it's a picture of you in college or something to show how handsome you were back in the day, but all women want more current pictures of your face and build.  I give women this same advice, so please don't feel like I'm just picking on the men.  Women are notorious for only uploading pictures of their face and never body shots because they are afraid no man would be interested because they are overweight, too skinny, whatever.

Now go grab your courage, write someone a short note from the heart and see what a difference it makes.  Upload some recent photos, reword your profile to include interests other than hunting or fishing and I will bet big money that you will get more responses than you ever imagined.  
You can do it!

Sexting - Bashful or Bold?

Dear Miss Lisa,
So... I have a boyfriend and we used to sext all the time.  Then we had a few fallouts but now we are back together and in a strong relationship.  I really wanna start sexting again and I really think he wants to, too.  But I'm not sure and I'm not sure how I would ask.
So what I'm asking is how would I go about asking him or should I just initiate it?

Regards,
Undecided Ursula

Dear UrsulaYouSexyThing,

I used to not be a proponent of "sexting" (talking sexy by text) but my attitude has changed over the years.  It is a great way to set the stage for sex and keep the passion alive in a committed relationship.  We all have cell phones with us everywhere we go, so why not keep the home fires burning?

Since you are already in a committed relationship, the answer is easy-peasy.  When you're comfortable, try texting something slightly suggestive such as "can't wait for tonight" and see how your boyfriend reacts.  If his reaction is positive, take it a step further by being a little bolder.

I would, however, have a deeper conversation in person as soon as possible so that you two can exchange ideas about what is okay and what is a turn-off.  The only way to truly learn about someone's desires and dreams is to ask, right?!

I will share a little secret passed down to me...  Have your boyfriend/husband take you to a nice restaurant and right before it's time to order dessert shyly whisper to him across the table "I'm not wearing any panties..."  It's at the top of the list of anyone that's done it before!

Whether we are in a committed relationship or married, we should do all we can to keep the passion alive!

First Date Franny

Dear Miss Lisa,

I have now had my first actual date and holy stalker, I dodged a bullet there!

I now have additional requirements to my search criteria.

Besides spelling and grammar (and I can forgive the odd typo), new rules are as follows:

• profile pics should not include cars and or motorcycles - penis extension much?

• show a friend before posting a pic - they will let you know if you're rocking the serial killer look...and so many of them are

• don't talk about happily ever after on the first date, or soul mates, or falling in love. That shit is scary

Oh and if you have any deal breakers in your head, they are there for a reason!!

Onward and upward!

Sincerely,

First Date Franny

Dear First Date Franny The Survivor,

First off, let me say congratulations on surviving your first date! That itself is a major feat. We all know the fear and trepidation that is experienced before that first meet up, so pat yourself on the back for surviving that major milestone. Keeping a list of what you have learned on dates shows maturity and a keen intelligence, I commend you for that.

I shall add your list to the one I keep for the book I am writing.  I hope everyone jots these down, they are important to remember, first date or not!  Now keep up the good work, we all have to kiss a lot of toads before we find that special one that doesn't leave us with warts...

Texting To Sexting?

Dear Miss Lisa,

HELP!
How hard does dating have to be?!?!  I get sweet flirty messages from a guy I know, no asking for a date, just a couple of sweet texts.  I get tired of just texting and want a real date, so I ask if we're going to keep flirting or go on an actual date?  Or is he even interested in dating me?  Then, I get this odd response from him.  Oy vey, hold on...

Him - "You looked hot the other day in you skin tight clothes.  I have been out of the loop dating after getting a divorce and don't want the head games that go along with it.  I would love to see you naked laying in front of me and not knowing what to do next.  And yes I am a horny guy and you sparked my interest.  That should scare you away.??"

Me - (Thinking out loud)  Really?!?!  Okay, you did, you scared me away, not a problem!!!
I text him - "Oh my, guess you only had to say that you weren't interested in dating now.  But you got your point across."
Now he thinks I read that wrong, stating in his next text why he believes I read it wrong...
Please read this and help me or smack me!

His reply - "I believe you misunderstood my point.  I haven't dated in awhile and don't know where to start was the point.  The naked comment was to find your point of view and dialog on sex, also a complement.  I believe life is short and talk very open and be able to joke around a lot.  It seems we have different communication styles so sorry if you took any part negative.  I can still say you looked fine the other mourning without being a pervert."

Is it odd that his typos are more annoying to me than his lack of manners?  I so want to text him back, but what's the point now, except to give him links to Craigslist personal ads!  Is it a wonder why we hate dating?  Seriously, it went from a sweet flirty text to immediately talking about me being nude?!?!

Signed,
Texting To Sexting

Dear TextSextTish,

This is more common than you would think.  He states his view plainly (which I have used BOLD for ease of reading).   Some men can't even explain why their conversations go to the bedroom so quickly but your man did, so consider yourself lucky for the explanation.

I have a couple of thoughts on why this went sour so quickly.  Men like to take the lead and you took it away from him by asking if he was interested in dating in the first place.  It goes back to the Neanderthal days but luckily guys aren't hitting us over the head and dragging us back to the cave anymore.  Let the guy do the asking - it's that simple.  Yes, there are exceptions such as Sadie Hawkins dances but no one even has those anymore, do they?

As soon as his texting went naked, I would have texted back "This isn't going where I thought it would go, so I've changed my mind.  Please don't communicate with me anymore.  I hope you'll respect my wishes.  Good luck in your search for love."  This ends the conversation.  If you aren't opposed to continuing the sexting, that is your choice but will it ever really go anywhere decent?

Now obviously you might feel silly since you were the one that initiated the 'dating' part of the conversation and I have no idea what the previous texts were, but we all learn from our mistakes, right?  If he's someone you knew previously, then trust me when I say that he will have a new respect for you and maybe will be slower to start a "nude" conversation with the next girl, right?

Now go put your phone away for the night, take a hot bath and play some music, LOUD.  It always helps to make a fresh start and look forward to the next time you meet someone.  You never know, he could be the one if you'll let him do the asking!